Aww, who cares, I'll do it now. I feel trapped. I'm trapped by my family. I know they THINK they have my best interests at heart, but how can it be my best interests when I feel miserable every single day? I do NOT want to die rotting in my room studying for some stupid test that does not exist or training for the league on Feb. 7-9 that would be bruising my legs hours before the big night. Big night. Eww, that sounds more like a wedding than a prom. So let's call Prom...the resplendent night. Happy? Anyway, my parents have been prohibiting me from going out because of an odd...discovery. A discovery that took place August 2006 and got discovered November 2007. How...off. I'm getting punished for a moment of stupidity during sophomore year--the year I was at my worst. And how ironic can it be that I am getting punished THIS year, the year that I am at my best? Not anymore. All these fights with my parents made my grades slip. ALL MY GRADES did. Even Geometry, goddamnit! I DO NOT MAKE MISTAKES IN GEOMETRY, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. (Except for that one mis-encircled ?? triangle last QT2.) And now, for the first time in my entire Junior Life, I got a gazillion mistakes for the UT2 and the QT3. That's how much they affect me. All my subjects slipped, last December, my grade were great. And this January, every single test slipped 5-7 points down. What. The. Hell. And guess what? I don't even care anymore. I'm trapped here, so be it. But I won't show them that I love it. It's actually the cause of my distraught, and during these busy days, the people I usually run to are not there. They must be over their moons and stars and Saturns loving their lives while I rot in the basement of negativity. They can't relate to me right now, coz their lives are sparkling clean and pretty. I'm not blaming them, they do have their lives. I don't even want pity, I don't want them to stop living glammed lives and sulk with me. I want to step up and go with them. I want my old self back. Ironic as it is, I'm kind of missing sophomore year. Sophomore year had its downs, but it definitely had perks. I'm not regretting being a sneaky slut back then. I became a goody-good butterfly this year, but I didn't expect my parents to clip my wings. I never expected them to make me a goody-goody catterpillar crawling up a stalk to grab a bite from that delicious green leaf. I never expected them to suck the happy pollen out of my life. I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

I want to JUMP OFF A BUILDING and feel the rush of thrill one more time. I want to venture into the unknown, sleep in the ocean without a single life-support with me again. If there's one thing that I think I regret, it's being good. If being good will bring my parents to restrict me more, then I'd be bad and happy. I thought they'd be happy if I change. It made them worse. Well, so much for me loving Geometry. I never did learn the basic principle: DON'T ASSUME.

Don't get me wrong. I love them and everything, and I know they'll do anything for me. Thing is, the ANYTHING and the EVERYTHING they're giving me, the support in extracurricular activities and all those material what nots, they're not what I want. I don't want to be a geek focused on whatever gadget's up everyone's sleeve. I don't want to be a super student involved in everything anymore, coz they think I'm too busy. I WANT A LIFE. I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

Everyone took a tiny bit of my life and threw it to the dogs. I'm left with nothing but boring old Bianca Ruiz from Grade School. I hate the dogs who devoured me and let me rot afterwards. They could at least have buried me, at least then, I won't be looking forward to light anymore. Every single spark of light that escapes the leaves above the forest path makes me jump in delight. And seep back into the ground again as it flutters away.

I guess it's true that the more you take something away from someone, the more she's gonna want it back. You only realize something's worth when it's gone. And guess what I've realized?

*Typos, forgive 'em. No rechecking. Work to do.

This might not be one of the 1AM entries, but it's close. :)) HAHAAAA. Pau natutulad na ko sa'yo ah. Just gotta let stuff out for future reference.

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Todaaaay. Today was off. It started out like the past two days--BAD. Sad, saddist, sandamakmak na tulalang minuto. Things aren't going great with my parents, not really. We're not exactly fighting, they're normal to me. They kid around, they laugh, but really, I'm the problem. I can never tell them stuff again. Kind of. I used to tell them who I liked and who I didn't like. HAHAAA. Just one crush they didn't know about, really. And that didn't even matter. The Kevin Bautista from Freshman Year crush. But now, ever since January something, I can't bring myself to tell them about how my life is. Hell, they don't even know who I hang out with in school anymore! Usually, they're the first to notice the crowd I hang out with. Whether they approve or not, well, it doesn't actually matter. They let me learn inside school. But outside? Nah. No can do. When it's about the outside world, I have to learn from what they SAY. I am not allowed to venture out because I'm too young to. I'll probably laugh at this entry one month from now. I think my parents know what's best for me, but they're just not as Marmee-ish as the mothers and fathers I know. They're perfect in their own way, I just HOPE AND PRAY that they accept that I'm NOT prim and proper and I'm NOT ever gonna be like ANY of them. I'm different.

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Well anyway, so far so good. I actually CRIED last uh, Monday and Tuesday. I dunno, everything piled up, I guess. And no one was really there, coz everyone had a test (Stupid Geometry) and projects and meetings and all that shit. (WOAAAH, Pau isa pang special mention. Thanks for having some sort of insomia and being up at 3AM consoling this bitch. Oh yeah. Haha! Tuwa ka na, Poy. >:P) And moving on. I somewhat woke up from the depression disorder (Medical Student's Syndrome? Hahaaa.) and SNAPPED BACK TO REALITY. I'm fine. I'm quite happy. Everything's back to normal. But I still don't know what to expect. Friendswise, I'm GREAT. Studieswise, ang galing ko pa din chumamba. It seems like I'll never lose my luck touch. Yay. Thank you God. Familywise...here comes the problem. I'm still the ice cold bitch who surfaced January 2008. And hey, no period = no blaming of hormones.

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I haven't studied for the tests. I THINK I've studied enough for Filipino. Or not. No MMFF yet. Just read all the crap all over again and familiarized myself with the stuff to be memorized. But hey, hey, hey. I don't give a DAMN. Studying doesn't help when it comes to Sir Ken's tests. : Everything's in the test OR stock knowledge. (Goodbye pride and luck, my Filipino dictinary of deep, revolutionary words is very...very...ve...ver...v...VERY limited. Sorry na, I'm not Alex Reyes eh. :P) And I haven't began Geom. Oh, no pala. I did. I read Reisha's reviewer. :P And opened the mock test by Lara. Opened is the operative word, I guess. I'm answering it soon. I shall. =)) Until 3AM, I'm awake. THANKS TO 2 SACHETS OF COFFEE, ONE TABLESPOON OF COFFEEMATE, ONE GLASS OF HOT WATER, AND THE EVER-SO-HANDY STARBUCKS TUMBLER. I am so guilty for patronizing Starbucks, but it's just this once, for the tumblers. They save my life. Saved, saving, will save. I love coffee. Even if it stains my teeth, as Isa constantly reminded me of last Monday. (Prom coming, be careful. Lose weight, don't stain teeth. What nots. Get dress. Set make-up appointment. UH.)

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HOLY CRAP. OKAY. HELLO SIMILAR POLYGONS, LONG TIME NO SEE. I'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU. :P

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ONE SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL SHOUT-OUT. LISETH LUARCA. Thanks for the song, na-LSS ako. =)) Trying To Get The Feeling Again, the Christian Bautista version. Shit. Ganda. But nah, I can't relate to it...directly anyway. I don't feel that. :)) I just someone to feel that for me. OUCHHHHH. The persona's sweet. AT LEAST he tried. But still, OUCH yun ah. Kawawa. Hahahaaa. Lord God. Wag po, kahit kelan sa talambuhay ko. :)) But it's PRETTY. I've been up, do-o-ooown, trying to get the feeling again! AWWWWWWWWW.

It's 1:08 am, I finished studying for Chem over half an hour ago, and I'm supposed to be reading Little Women or reviewing for my History quiz about Renaissance and Reformation. I don't even remember a single fact about the topic. I'm quite disoriented. But no, I am not studying, neither am I sleeping. Let's set the facts straight: I am not sleepy, and I do have intentions of studying and I have to wake up at 5:00 am, and tomorrow's the Doc Com Picture-Taking for the Prom AVP, and I'm going to have black olives under my eyes, better known as eye bags the marks of responsible students. So that's why I'll keep this short. I have to rush a little bit.
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I'm not doing my HOMEWORK now because I was chatting with my dear old bitch, Mr. Candle, aka Mr. Forest Candelaria. I haven't talked to him in a while. I was telling him of how busy I am, and well, hell. The 14-year-old said he's to add to my list of stressful thoughts: PROM. Prom's not a stress anymore. Doc Com's friggin' HAPPY. I love my com. Members, post the pictures already, @ http://aadoccom09.multiply.com/ Okay?
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What's our topic, then? It came to the big word. L-O-V-E. But then again, it's not a big word after all. And this is the MAIN EVENT of this short post.
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Love is not a big word.(Contrary to how I used to see it before) In fact, it's rather small and short, made up only of four letters. Only four. You can write it with five loops of your cursive hand writing. (Or about seven sharp strokes with your Assumption handwriting.) No, love is not a big word. It is quite small. That's why you can't run away from love, it'll follow you around--coz it's so small it fits in your pocket. The letters L-O-V-E are nothing, really, they're merely part of the alphabet. A fragment of the idea it represents. But the word itself is insignificant. It's the things you do for it that's BIG. You're never too young to love. You're never too old to love. According to my bitch, we're mature adults and capable of being in love. Well, who cares? I don't even know what the word means, not really. Apparently my concept of it being for parents is wronger than the wrongest wrong. (Whatt?) Maybe you don't need to know what it is, maybe you just need to feel it. But then again, I wouldn't really know. I'm supposed to be over the moon. Jumping high and exploring life, I'm a teenager. That's what teenagers do: MESS UP and EXPLORE. Ask those who are in love, they might help you. :)
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Idea expressed, must go back to studying. Ha-ha. Hey BITCH, I'm done. It took so long, beating around the bush? :)) THIS IS FOR YOU 'REST. :)) HAHA. For your inner thoughts. >:) LOL.