Thin
Thursday, March 22, 2007

Someone told me I was anorexic. WAS is the operative word. During that time, around January or so 2006, I never believed that. All I know was that I'm not eating my baon, well, the rice anyway. And I give my recess away. And that I'm fat. And that I don't eat for two reasons: A) I was on a supposed diet, and B) I was in front of the PC. People telling me that I was anorexic were not the ones I believed. I believed myself when I consoled myself that I was just on a diet. I stopped eating altogether as the months dragged by. April 2006, my grandmother came home from the States and the first thing she said was "Bianca, ang payat mo anak. Huwag, hindi bagay sa iyo." I forgot how my reaction was, except that I dismissed it right away. I lived with her for a month, and ironically, I didn't eat anything but sky flakes. My grandmother is an expert cook, I always look forward to her coming home because I truly felt affection for her, she's like the grandmother from The Last Rite. I wouldn't say I LOVED her so dearly if I didn't. In reality, she's my most favorite person in the whole world. We never fought, not even once. And when I started throwing up involuntarily during my one month stay at her place, she became really worried. Honestly, I was happy I was throwing up, that meant I would be thinner. I was never bulimic then, I tried doing it that time but never succeeded so I gave up. I did become bulimic at one point, but that's way way after April, and it didn't last long. A few weeks before she came home, I got hospitalized for being really weak and throwing up without reason, apparently, my stomach does not want anything on my stomach anymore because it's not used to food. I was advised by the doctor to eat only skyflakes, and I used that as an excuse. I also watched PBA every single time it showed, and I walk or run on the treadmill every single time. How long is a game? 2 hours, and there are two games a day. Four days a week. It might seem usual, but my body was not used to exercise. I dropped, what, 10, 15, 20 pounds? And my mom always, always, told me I had to gain weight. I would always roll my eyes secretly, I was fat, I can NOT gain weight. I was full with the diet of emptyness. Not until a few months after that incident and the eating disorder did I accept that it was anorexia. I talk about it openly, it was true.

I was bulimic, too. At one point. I shove my finger down my throat, I throw up, wash my hand after, throw up again, wash my hand, and repeat the process. This was because I couldn't help but eat a lot, the sweets mostly. My mother forced me to eat rice, I had to eat it in front of her. But then I throw it up right after she leaves. I got used to it that I throw up even the most normal of meals. I had this designated throw-up banyo in Med City. That lasted what, a month? Two months? My own guilt dawns upon me, but I consoled it with the thought that they will never have to know. I thought I could not quit, I didn't even think of it as abnormal. I never thought it would bring me a consequence that's going to last a lifetime. I even had this notion, whenever I look at my sideview self in the mirror, I see this bulk that extends past the rib cage. Well, let's put it this way, it was not deeper than my rib cage and pelvis. It used to not be there, back in the summer. And, I wanted it off. I started gaining it back when I ate normally. I wanted it off. PERIOD. Then I talked to Dra. Valdez and she told me about these teens who got addicted to making theirselves throw up, sad stories. And that I should NEVER try that. I got too guilty, but I didn't stop at once.

Well, I found out today that it was not anorexia or bulimia at all. I was on my way to being anorexic and bulimic, but thanks to Isa's constant reminder to eat, and I don't know, all the other people as well, I didn't venture into that forsaken lane. I got the idea that was in. I watched the FTV fashion shows and could not help look at my own body. I starved myself to make them like me, and they never had to know. I got too engrossed to society's version of beuty. That was stupid.

According to kidshealth.org, "Anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are more commonly known as anorexia and bulimia. The two disorders can be difficult to distinguish from each other because they have similar characteristics: With both anorexia and bulimia, the person will have a distorted image of his or her body. That person will seem to be obsessed with what he or she eats." Well, that applied to me, that applied to me very accurately. But my body didn't reach the anorexic lane. Take a look at these pictures of girls who got to the extremes:

This is not beauty. You'll be dead before you're thin enough. If you have these disorders, or are on your way, pause and think, is THIS what you really want? Do these people look happy to you? As Hollywood is setting the stage for the so-called perfect body image, size 0, anorexia is becoming the norm. But what happens to these girls after they take their clothes off and look at theirselves in the mirror. The clothes fall well, they portray a look of extreme elegance, but these are masks. These clothes mask the truth of their imperfections, totally contradicting that image of perfection. Even though they are surrounded with that glamorous world of fashion and ultra-thin models, their lives are horrible. Shame on the designers, managers, fashionistas and who sat back, and watched. Shame on you if you let your friends continue with this obsession. I guess no one missed a beat when 3 models dropped dead because of anorexia in three months. Just keep prancing these skeletons down the runway, can they? Coz all their clothes hang better on them anyway. (sarcasm. :|)

Girls, stop calling each other fat, people take it seriously and this is what can happen. Boys, you talk about girls being fat, you tell girls that they're fat, but is this attractive to you? Well, I didn't think so.

Think about it, is thin really in? If so, why? And if this is what's in, do you want to be?

<3, BEE

PS. My mom just passed, "Anak, kumain ka ba ng kanin the whole time na wala ako?" I answered, "Yes, Ma!" And I wasn't even lying. :)

16:22

Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?

Bianca Ruiz;
17;
~~Assumption Antipolo;~~
Ateneo de Manila University;
Management Engineering;
Occupation: Professional sleeper; Addiction: The faded era of the orange ball & persuation & color pigments;
True Addiction: Me&You.

Out To Me

Dead
~~Double Dead~~
Y!M
anca613703@yahoo.com
Email
anca613703@yahoo.com
mariabiancaleanneruiz@yahoo.com
biancaruizmatters@yahoo.com

I Constantly Thank God For ~~Esteban~~ Hearts

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