I thought this day was going to be a happy one, with me finally getting to use canvass again and all. I thought it would be incredibly brilliant!

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It was the worst day of my life.

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Not exactly an exagerration, too. Ha. I hoped it was. Mom briefly reminded me before I went to bed that I had to wake up early, go painting early, and be done precisely at 12. I thought it would be possible. When they woke me up this morning, I saw the time (7:30 AM) and thought it was too early. I went back to sleep, got awoken 2 or 3 more times, and finally woke up at 8 AM. Dad was using the bathroom, so I couldn't get my bath stuff and go bathe downstairs. He wouldn't open the door, he was, ah, attending to private matters. It was 8:15 when I got to bathe, 8:30 when I had finished. I was still cheerful, but then I got a bit delayed by Ate Badette and Mom, so I got to the studio around 9:30.

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I was told to remove my watch when I go there weeks ago, and that was exactly what I did. I got lost track of time, and it was 12:30 when Ate Badette reminded me that I had to go. Arianne's skating lessons would be 1:45. Mom said I had to leave, be brought home, and Arianne, Migo, Ate Badette and the driver would go to Megamall.

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Fate was on our side. Ha. I had no load, neither did anyone else. I had to wait 10 more minutes before I could call my Mom. She was furious. I had no consideration for my sister! I was told specifically that I had to leave at 12, or 13:30 at most! And what time was it? 12:40! Kuya Ver went to Teresa to fetch Arianne and Migo, I had to come with them. I had to go to Megamall and sulk, probably. I didn't even buy food from their allowance, I used what was left in my wallet, which was a lone P50 bill and a heavy collection of coins. I had to pay for the canvass I used for I forgot to bring my own. If I could kick myself now, I would've.

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I got to Megamall, bought myself a cup of NY Fries, and read my book at the foodcourt. I guess I looked pitysome with that frown on my brows. Some man lost his pink cell phone. Ha. That's not atypical.

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Arianne got there 30 minutes late, the coach was kind enough to excuse her and extend her time. This brat of a brother, Migo, who had his own lessons to care about, managed to force her to quit. He had OT at Marikina at 4:00 PM and he went to Arianne, pestered her until she removed her skates and followed him. Asshole, the girl was not even done with her lessons! Much less her practice. I got so mad. When Migo was talking to me, I hissed at him. Don't talk to me. He was startled, of course. I was always the soothing sister. Not now, I hated his superior feeling. Trish told me last night after her bellowing on the boy and my scolding her "He already gets too much attention from you, it's about time someone puts him in his place." If I'm not mistaken, that was her exact words. Migo didn't understand, I said it again with more contempt Wag mo kong subukang kausapin. I was at lost. I grabbed Arianne, quite teary-eyed from Migo's annoying shouts and superiority. She felt so vulnerable, I felt protective. I got a hundred from the driver and went to Krispy Kreme, clutching my things in my hand. I didn't get the chance to arrange my bag for I was in a mad rage rush.

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I got three donuts and 2 complimentary original glazes. I gave one to Ate Badette, one to Kuya Ver, one I kept for myself, and two for Arianne. My displeasure towards my brother convinced me that he deserved no donut.

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The wheel of fortune turned against my brutality.

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We got to Migo's OT place ahead of time, and I got angrier. We waited, and waited, and waited for him to finish. After and hour of waiting, I started looking for my Dad's camera which I brought to take a picture of taday's painting. I managed to buy a new memory card for mine, but I found out that it was the camera that was busted, not the damn card. I looked for Dad's cam inside my bag, I did not find it. Everyone rummaged the whole van, we did not find it. God forsake me. I was so afraid. I left it in Krispy Kreme. The counter. I remember now. Yeah, I did. I wanted to go back to Megamall. Kuya Ver said we must talk to my Mom first. She said she would be getting it tomorrow, if it was still there. I felt fear. My throat was dry, and believe it or not, I was shaking. I was afraid already because of my tardiness, and now this. I never should have made them trust me with anything.

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Now, they will prove themselves right. I am a careless, self-centered bitch, who only cares for herself and do not see how others would be affected. I am conceited wench who acted upon a rush of emotion, without considering the consequences and the feelings of those I would trample upon. God forbid my fear of my mother.

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I wish she would understand. I have this spark of hope that she would understand, but then again she might rage at me. I didn't have the nerve to talk to her. I have not an idea what her reaction was. The last time I talked to her was about the tardiness while painting, and I was so irritated, I got so frustrated. My instructors were laughing at my anger. I swore the whoreson in front of them. I was confused, and guilt overswept me. I feared my mother. I feared displeasing her. I love her and I wish that she will love me, but why is it that I can never please her if I tried? I'm too much of a baggage for her. I am sorry. I wish I were someone else.

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I painted something nude today, and I found her unevitably skinny. She's a skeleton. Her bones are outlined by the gray tones that distressed me so much. I was afraid of the contrast. I loathed the painting. I hated it. Kuya Cocoy, Kuya Joey, and Sir Andy said it was fine, I think not. She looks like a recovering anorexic, now turning to bulimia. I wish I were her. I want her skinnyness and her way of removing fear. But I know I can't. I can't displease my mother any more than I had.

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I wish I can jump off a cliff and never return to see their trust fading. Why can't I make them trust me completely? Because I don't deserve it.

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Please, judgements are not very welcome.

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It is the worst day of my life. I'm expecting nothing at all, for my mind can NOT think straight. I wish I can get this over with. Mom, come home. Love me, please, will you? I know you won't read this. The idea of writing a journal and having others read it seem absurd to you. You said so yourself last night. You did not know I even have a blog, you did not even know that blogs exist. I'm sorry Mom.

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Bye, folks. :) See you in hell no time.