Self pity is a terrible feeling. I mean, what good can it bring other than making yourself believe that others is to blame? Nothing, I guess. I couldn't stop myself from looming under self-pity's radar last night. Hel-lo? I thought everything and everyone were conspiring against me, and towards my utter failure too. I felt useless. I felt uncertain about my capabilities.
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I guess not.
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That was yet another moment of breakdown. It was the first I had in months, I think? The last one was December 26, 2007. Yes, I remember well. You bet I do. You must see my entries then. It's rather annoyingly emotional. Gag, anyone?

Well, I talked to my Mom last night--after hours of hiding myself under my blanket. I was, ah, rather scared. I was afraid that she'll get really angry, despite Bo's advices that the worst she could do is that. Yeah, she's my mother and she'll forgive me whatever happens. I cried, and cried, and pour my heart out while staring at my white ceiling, the pink cabinet for stuff toys, and the purple strip of paper hanging by that cabinet above my bed. It has been there for over two years now, no one actually bothers to open the cabinet, so the strip never left its being stuck to the cabinet door.

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Trish came in, I talked to her with a straight face. Hehe, I was invincible! Not. Of course, I had to spill my guts and she was readily giving her opinions. We're friends again! I left the house with an enemy, and I ended the day making up with her. =))

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I finally talked to my Mom, but I couldn't help crying in front of her. What a shame. [-( I looked fugly. I had a bloody red nose, bulging eyes, and black circles under my blotchy and watery eyes. A sight to behold, really. I washed my face, then I had no trace of being teary-eyed left, except for the annoying half-moons that's the color of rotten grapes. Then we're fine. Everything was and ah, Mom sent me a prayer book. Woohoo. She said I lacked prayer, and that was why I was feeling bad.

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Finally, self pity left me. I spent the day afternoon in peace. I woke up at 12, took my bath, and lived happily ever after with a book (Ransom by Julie Garwood) and ETC. Lovely.

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Then it came back with a LOUD bang when Trish came home alone with a new DS. Fuck you. A new fucking DS in a gorgeously outrageos cute color, carnation pink. Can anyone say perky? And so anyway, I felt bad. Uncle Louie shipped it from the States, I guess he forgot it was Trish and I who asked Mom to get us PSPs or DSs. He forgot about me, or Mom probably forgot that I asked for it too. Well, as a kid, I've wanted a gameboy very much, but my Dad's logic said NO. He said it would take creativity and thinking out of a kid's brain, so yeah, I didn't get one. And now, what, six year later, Arianne and Migo wanted gameboys, they got it. Trish and I figured we can get it so we asked, and they said YES. But they forgot about me. Anyway, the self-pity was leaving as quickly as it arrived. I figured I can ask for it and it will come, but only later than Trish. Now, a decision will have me sleepless, uh, 7:00 PMs, should I get a PSP or a DS? Oh, another self-pity moment was when Trish announced that she enrolled for AFC. And Mom didn't enroll me. Did she forget that I wanted it too? Ha. I guessed she did. Well, she didn't. She told Trish that I would be extremely tired, so I couldn't do it. TIRED? Of what? Holding a brush and splattering paint on some flat surface? I THINK NOT. Of what? Having SEP? What the. I already asked Dad, and he had said YES. Why were they innterrupting the flow of events? I'll have a word with them tonight? But they're in Baclaraaaaan! Oh boy. What a mess.

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I'm eating Krispy Kreme, Mom and Trish got it a while ago, while trying to get the camera back. Guess what, it was not there. Stupid, stupid Bianca. Where the fuck did I leave it? I haven't seen my Dad since last, last night. Jesus, I fear them.

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Must I always fear my parents? Maybe that's why they think I'm sneaky. Can't help it.

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Oh, by the way, one girl who does not have self-pity is the bitch Paris Hilton. I was reading Total Girl yesterday. It was the October 2006 issue with Angel Locsin on the cover. Ha. Ha. Ha. That magazine is quite a mystery, it makes little girls (emphasis on little as I meant 4 year olds, 8, 9, the like) think that they're dalagas already. I mean, what the hell is up with the make-up and fashion sections? It's one of the culprits why kids think they're old enough to try anything at an earlier age. And, can I say, ang aarte ng mga nilintikang batang yun. Haha :)

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So, this is the Paris exerpt I read and stared incredulously at. And the ones on bold are Trish's comments when I told her about it.

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HAHA. What an airhead, I loved Trish's reactions. I could've videotaped it. But I didn't, coz if I do, she'll be killing me. Self pity is spiteful, but being as conceited as that heiress, ha. Someone's gotta play the role of the spoiled rich kid, and she's the perfect actress roleplayer.

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Anyway, I'll be off now. I'm eating Lapid's Chicharon with the tell-tale orange vinegar. Yum. Nightie.

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PS, uploading GIF images are a nuisance. Seriously. 100 images get uploaded when I uploaded just one! It's weird, err, help?