My mom disapproves of blogs, "Why make a diary, then let everyone read it?" Well, as it turns out, I have a question regarding that, if I can't ramble and let people actually hear it, who can I turn to? That's right. My friends, just them. My family's one hell of a shit. Not really. My family's great and all, and I love them too. It's just that I don't think I'm understood, and I'm being mocked for thinking that I'm not understood. I guess I'll never be enough for them, and when I DO try, they think I'm stressing too much over school. And when they do tell me that and scold me for that, I ask them if I can go out with my friends, and they see something wrong with that too. What an absolutely beautiful standing for me, isn't it? Not knowing what they want and what they don't want. Like hell.

And warning, I might ramble too much. I just have to let it ALL out. :) I've been crying randomly all day long because of what Trish told me about something my Mom said, and what it implies. Last Friday, I wanted to get art materials, and so I told Mom so, and she came with me. You know why she did? I thought she wanted to, but Trish told me she thinks I'm meeting up with someone. What. The. Hell. Paranoid, much? And what does that imply? That she doesn't even trust me and she's always suspicious of me. Suspicious. So, now I'm reduced to a scheming bastard? Am I that untrustworthy that my Mom can't even believe that I'm going to National to GET art materials ON MY OWN? I guess.

And oh yeah, still remember the Alex (the guy) and Alex (the girl) confusion? It seems that she hasn't forgotten about that yet. And yesterday, I told her that I'll go skating with Paulo's barkada, she'll never mistake Paulo for a girl. Or would she? Kidding, Pau. :)) But yeah, she won't. (There.) But guess what, she said no. It seemed useless since I was gonna be at Mega. I always, always am during M-W-F. Most of the time, against my own will. I wanted to stay home, but then they said it would be more convenient if I come. So Bianca comes. When I actually wanted to go, guess what she did? She woke up Arianne (who has skating) and Migo (who has OT), VERY early. 7AM if I'm not wrong, and made them bathe, dress up, and prepare. Huh? They don't usually leave until 11, to pick me up from painting, then go to Mega. But no, they decided to come with me today. TODAY, when I'm going out with my friends. What a charming coincidence. (I'm frolicking with sarcasm, bitch.) And yes, they left me at the painting place. She even questioned what I was wearing. Can you believe it? I was in jeans and shoes and a long shirt, because all my SHORTS are in the laundry. I usually wear shorts, and now that I'm in jeans, "bihis na bihis" ako? CAN ANYONE BE MORE PARANOID!!! They left me at the painting place and made my Dad pick me up to bring me home. LOVELY. LOVELY, LOVELY. It means that she'll get out of her way and inconvenience KIDS and herself just to have ME not go OUT. Is that it? I guess that pretty much spells it. It's a very BITCHY coincidence, that she choose today to not bring me to Mega AFTER I told her that I'll be with friends. So, now, am I not to resort to being sneaky? How can I not! God, it's awful to try to read my Mom's mind. I love her so, so much, and the fact that I can never be good enought for her and that she can't even trust me NEVER, NEVER EVER failed to bring my tears. Faucet eyes, I call mine. They always tear up when it's about family. Never fails.

And to add to the dilemma, Trish kept on bitching on and on and on. I enjoy her company, but the way she treats me is unacceptable. Sure, it might seem amusing, but it's not. It's degrading. The way she calls me STUPID accusingly and in a You-are-such-an-idiot tone every time I don't happen to know something that she does is offensive. And when I tell her, she gets very impatient and I-don't-care-that-you-feel-that-way-you-are-wasting-my-time. Sometimes it's more hurtful than annoying. She's TRISH for heaven's sake. Trish-Trish. Well, I guess my feelings, Mom's feelings, Dad's feelings, Arianne's feelings, and Migo's don't have a shot when she's concerned.

Then there's Arianne, and Migo. Kids, enough said. Bitchy kid, but fine. Migo's sweet when he chooses to be. He loves me, I know that for sure. He hugs me randomly, because I treat him well. He never does it to Trish, or maybe VERY seldom, because she treats him like shit. Shit, I tell you. And then there's my Dad, who I can never be angry with. My Dad's smile melts me every time, that's why when he once told me, when I had a fight with Mom, that I'm "just his daughter" and mom's his "wife", it hurt immensely. Up to now I cry when I think about it, and that was YEARS ago. Can my Mom and I never be equals? Do I always have to be the suspicious, scheming bitch? It's frustrating how I can never be "okay" in their eyes. There's always something ridiculous, or there's always something that's TOO MUCH, or something that's inaappropriate. I can't even be myself when I'm with them, and that's not supposed to be how it is!

And well, I rambled about all these things while I was painting, and my teacher was kind enough to listen. I'm going to be a rebel one of these days. I'll be painting dark scenes deliberately just to piss them off, and give away paintings just to piss them off more. And do what I want, WHEN I want. Yes, so that they'll have ENOUGH reason to loath me. Just so their suspicions won't be in vain. Give them a reason to talk about, other than hair my supposed tricks.

Get your Dads gifts for father's day. They're the most REASONABLE members of the family. I promise. Guess what, I saw a gift I gave my Dad when I was in Grade 1. That's 8 or 9 years ago, almost a decade! And he still keeps the lousy maroon and black rosary, threaded with GARTER and NO spaces in between the beads that I made for him. I made it for him, and he kept it all this time. Isn't it lovely to have a father that's like that? I love my mom too, I just hope she'll trust me. It's been an issue for how long now? I don't know. Maybe she's really JUST afraid I'll grow up too soon. But then again I've told her A THOUSAND times that I know my priorities, and that I'll keep them in mind, but she never believed me. I don't deserve "trust" because I'm a sore loser.

PS, she thinks I'm embarrassing her when I ramble about how I feel. How do you think I feel when she talks to her friends and EMBARRASS me? Give them all my ridiculous attitudes and "twisted" views and shortcomings? I'm merely expressing HOW I FEEL because I can't tell her. She'll think I'm attacking her. And I can't tell my Dad too, I can't bear to hear his words again. And yet again, maybe it's a PMS thing.

PPS, I'm feeling better now. Don't ask why, I don't know. What date is it today?